Sniffing Lady Gaga

I am not the biggest fan of Lady Gaga. I don’t hate her like I do, say, Chris Brown, or worse, Lea Michele, but I definitely find her a little bit tired and convoluted. When her first album came out I was just as excited and into it as the rest of us but I think she peaked and became a caricature of what was already pretty much a caricature after the “Bad Romance” video. Her whole “Little Monsters/Born This Way” doesn’t seem very well thought out, kind of like Thug Life: Part 2. Thug Life didn’t mean anything! It’s just Tupac stalling and stalling to think of ways to justify a really ill-conceived upper abdomen tattoo. “Oh no, there will be a book that explains Thug Life…eventually…” he would claim, basically like a cut version of Phillip Seymour Hoffman in “The Master.” Maybe now that he’s back as a hologram he can give the idea a little more hashing out than suggesting we change the way we, uh, eat.

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“You know he’s making it up as he goes along.”

But I digress. If Lady Gaga is all about accepting yourself and being BORN THIS WAY then why does she paint a new face on her face and wear a wig culled from the silkiest Fraggle hair and only walk around in avant-garde versions of this popular beach t-shirt?

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“Be your true self because you were born covered in cuts of meat!” She needs a lesson on naturalism from India.Arie, I think. ADDITIONALLY Lady Gaga is very anti-bullying, which is noble I guess, but her good work comes in the form of TWEETING at Barack Obama about how “bullying must become illegal.” Not even getting into the 1st Amendment repercussions of making something as broad and general as bullying illegal in our country, let’s just discuss what a massive, Silkwood-like effort it takes to TWEET something at our nation’s leader. What other great luminaries and champions of personal  liberties in our society have undertaken such a noble effort?

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Anyways.

All the same I was excited when I heard Lady Gaga was coming out with a perfume. The rumor was she was going to try in incorporate notes of gross stuff like blood and semen and dirt and buttsweat into her perfume, and the packaging looked like one of the egg pods from Alien, which I actually found kind of hilarious and intriguing. Then my sister told me that she had smelled the perfume at Sephora, and that she liked it a lot. “Wait, isn’t that stuff supposed to smell like blood and semen and dirt and buttsweat?” I asked. “Umm, no,” she replied, “I think they ended up changing that. It smells like a cannoli, kind of.” A CANNOLI? It seemed to make sense, as Gaga is a proud Italian. Needless to say now I was actually really excited. I freaking love cannolis and my boyfriend is Italian, so I figured that this stuff would make me irresistible to both him AND myself. I could be out in the world and everybody I would pass would wonder if there was a bakery nearby! Maybe if I was feeling fancy I would spritz some on a scarf so I could smell like a baked good all day. People make body lotions and perfumes that smell like cookies and cake all the time but a cannoli is pretty hard-core gluttony, which is my bread and butter, no pun intended. It’s one step away from making perfume smell like an Asiago bagel twist, so frankly I am very on board!

Anyways, the full title is Lady Gaga: Fame; Black Fluid and I ordered a sample from Sephora, and waited for it to come, super excited. The copy that comes with the product is probably the most melodramatic and ridiculous shit in the entire universe. I have produced it here in its entirety (all emphasis Gaga’s)

 COMPOUNDED BY LADY GAGA

Tears of belladonna

Crushed Heart of Tiger Orchidea

With a Black Veil of Incense

Pulverized Apricot and the Combinative Essences of Saffron and Honey Drops

FROM THE HOUSE LABORATORIES IN PARIS

First of its kind, this perfume is an innovation in fluid technology. It’s black like the soul of Fame, but invisible once airborne.

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You are killing me.

Alright, let’s not even get into whatever “COMPOUNDED BY LADY GAGA” means or the needless overkill that is BLACK perfume that magically becomes clear (the sample size I received was in an opaque bottle but I google imaged a regular bottle and needless to say that it looks like a tiny grenade designed by Elizabeth Taylor and filled with vanilla extract,) and into what this smells like. It does not smell like blood, sex, or magik, nor does it smell like a cannoli. Crushed heart of tiger orchidea (spelling copyright British Accent Era Maddonna,) a veil of black incense, pulverized apricot, and honey saffron drops actual combine (or are COMPOUNDED) to smell like Pez. This shit smells EXACTLY like Pez when you spray it on. Orange Pez, if I had to be specific, although all Pez is made from the same Pez powder and dyed (just a guess.) Eventually the Pezzy top notes wear off and it smells like very non-descript and regular perfume, not unlike the Marc Jacobs Lola Perfume I and every other girl on earth wears. NOT BAD, MIND YOU, but when the expectations are set up for something to smell like either a dirty flop house mattress or Mike’s Pastry, the let down is a lot.

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This is how you get the most intense whiff.

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