“Oh my God, Sara,” I exclaimed at the dinner table the other night, “Did you hear Drake’s grandmother died?” She frowned. “Which one of your friends is Drake?” asked my dad, “One of the tall ones?” “No!” we exclaimed in unison, shaking our heads and laughing at my dad’s naïveté. “He’s a rapper.”
My father’s eyes went blank, and you could see the gears in his brain calculating the many thousands of dollars he and my mother had cobbled together over the years to pay for our extended private educations. What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the sun? All is vanity, Dad!
But we can’t help it! My dad grew up in the decade where girls fainted and screamed and threw their panties at that goat-faced schoolboy Paul McCartney, but his daughters live in the age of sensitive rappers and they are IRRESISTABLE. Gone are the days of hydraulics and weird stables of bitches. Times have changed! Feminist women DO love Eminem! The new crop of sensitive rappers are dreamy and respectful, but not so respectful that you begin to wonder if they are secretly gay. You can take them home to mom! When Drake promises “good weed, white wine/ I come alive in the night time,” do you really think that’s directed at me? Those are either specific care instructions for a very strange mogwai, or a ploy to attract a newly divorced 53 year old who just wants to feel attractive again. That shit sounds like a stage setup for an episode Cougartown! Make it rain maternal approval!
Sensitive rappers understand me! “Sweatpants, hair tie, chilling with no makeup on/That’s when you look prettiest, hope that you don’t take it wrong!” Drake proclaims sheepishly. Umm, how could I? This shit is directed TOWARDS me. “The major that she majored in don’t make no money” Hello are you talking about meeeeeeee, Kanye? He could dress me up in a monochromatic manatee skin peplum dress modeled after an obscure prototype of the Eiffel tower any day! CALL ME KANYE IF YOU AREN’T BUSY BEING WEIRD I KNOW YOU “LIKE” ARMENIAN GIRLS.*
Anyways, I decided that I wanted to recreate the look of a sensitive rapper’s girlfriend. If things ever go south in my current relationship, maybe J. Cole can subsidize my grad school tuition! I modeled this look on an amalgamation of lady hip hop stars like Rita Ora, rappers girlfriends I have seen like Karreuche Tran, and the whims of my heart. The idea was to look awesome without looking super ~fancy~. You want to keep the look casual, like you can chill with the guys in the recording studio or whatever. Rihanna never looks like she is wearing a rainbow of eyeshadow and you wouldn’t catch a sensitive rappers girlfriend dead in a bandage dress. It’s not a Love and Hip Hop look, because those girls, while smoking hot and copyable in their own right, do not date sensitive rappers. I don’t think we’ll be seeing Scrappy doing a HYFR-esque video recreation of his bar mitzvah anytime soon, or wearing a Maison Martin Margiela mask or whatever trifling bullshit Kanye is currently pulling out of Kim’s massive ass.
But ANYWAYS, THE LOOK
I NEVER deviate from wearing my hair curly because of some bizarre feelings of Jewish guilt, but I figured I had to do something to deviate from my every day look and look fancy and worthy of having my condo paid for. The solution was an undercut! The undercut was INVENTED by Cassie, singer of the best song EVER ‘Me and U’ and longtime girlfriend of Diddy, the world’s most bloated rapper. Rumor has it she invented this hair cut after Diddy cut off a chunk of hair in a fight, which is crazytown and possibly not something we should try to emulate but this haircut is now a classic for shortsighted cool people who don’t have the energy to consider what a bitch the grow out period might be. I didn’t shave my head, obvi, but this haircut is pretty easy to recreate at home with the aid of some skillfully placed bobby pins. I gave my hair a deep side part and then pinned all the remaining hair on the side below the part to the back of my neck, and blending the remaining hair into the rest of my now gigantic mane. Now, I did this mainly for the final product on the blog. If you wore the hair in public probably you’d look like a weird psychopath but if you are emailing a guy at 11:26, telling him that you’re 36-26, and you wanna send a picture along it might be perfect.
A sensitive rapper’s girlfriend would never match her eyeshadow to her dress like the indomitable Ms. Phaedra Parks! A skillfully drawn cat eye and major eyelashes are the way to go for certain on this. Subtle and classy but still THERE you know? For your cat eye flicks I would suggest the inky and long wearing Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liner, and as for the lashes, all the best girlfriends obviously wear falsies. I am not trying to fuck with that. Instead, I went for the next best thing, Love Alpha Fibre Lash Mascara, a crazy and obscure Korean (Japanese? The label was not in English) mascara system (their words) which consists of two separate tubes of gook to layer for amazing lashes. First, you put on the setting gel, which is a glorified and kind of weak sauce gel textured mascara, totally underwhelming on its own. The next tube contains the magic, in the form of many thousands of tiny black fibers that you layer on top of the gel base to mimic the look of amazingly fool and false lashes. Layer to your hearts content because these mascaras make your eyelashes out of control stupid, like a sexy teenage Bambi (I just made myself puke.) Additionally I love the extremely tacky leopard print packaging!
For my face I decided to apply a bit of contour to my cheekbones. Now let me just say that contouring can very quickly go the way of crazy people, so you have to be careful. You can measure the downfall of any celebrity by the point they began to get into heavy contouring. “OH, I’LL JUST PAINT A NEW FACE ON MY FACE” trilled Lil’Kim as she slipped out of relevancy. Look at Nicki Minaj! Bitch starts drawing a white stripe down the middle of her nose and before you know it: Starships. Just saying.
But if you are subtle this can give you a nice boost of nighttime-fanciness-“Ohhh what’s different about you?” that you will definitely need to catch your thesaurus wielding, weed loving player. Think Kourtney, not Kim! I used this Too Faced Bronzer, which amazingly smells like CHOCOLATE, along with an angled brush underneath my cheekbones, my jaw, and on my temples. Now I look chiseled, as if if sculpted by delicate hands from marble.
To finish the look, gigantic earrings I bought on a whim at Forever21 in an attempt to look like Persian Pop Priestess A$A, and a matte lip cream in a bright color by NYX. Off for a chaste day of Hawaiian shirt shopping with Frank Ocean. DEUCES!
*Kanye might be gay…