All middle and high school, I watched every break as the other kids from our semi-swanky ‘independent school’ left for exotic locales while the most tropical thing I got to see was the tiki aisle at iParty. We’re still not jetting off to Sandals Montego Bay, but at least now the Recession has made stay-cations socially acceptable!
But why not get the best of both worlds? The personal satisfaction of spending a week indoors, gorging on Talenti Double Chocolate and screaming at Millionaire Matchmaker like Rachel’s pink bangs can hear you, and the social swag of a tropical getaway.
It’s all about the illusion!
Step 1) Tell everyone you’re going away, then turn off your phone.
Call everyone you know under the pretense of making plans and then tell them, no, I’d love to walk around the mall and drink a million Teavana samples, but I’m going away to Antigua/Hawaii/ Punta Cana/ Atlantis (either above or below the sea, depending on how much you want to DAZZLE.) Now that everyone believes you’re going away, your fake vacation is half way real, like Harry Potter! Stop checking in to the Dunkin Donuts and crop all the snow from the background of your selfies.
Step 2) Hide inside and start getting ~*tRoPiCaL*~
Last summer when I got my wisdom teeth out Emalie wanted to try out a spray-can tan on me because I wouldn’t be leaving the house for a while, to which I said, “Sure, open this bottle of Percocet first.” It looked egregiously splotchy and horrible, but she was right! I didn’t leave the house for a week.
The point of that story is now is the time to push the reasonable bounds of “gradual self-tanning” since no one can see you. Slather on the Jergens Natural Glow! If you had the cash for those Kate Somerville tanner wipes, you’d probs be in Turks and Caicos already. Spray on some sun-in and hunker down in front of your SAD Daylight Lamp. Does this work? Leave a comment.
Stock up on plantain chips, pineapple coconut water, mangos and jerk chicken seasoning. Treat yo’ self to tropical beauty treatments like you were at the Hilton Polynesian with coconut oil, coral nail polish, and those Montagne Jeunesse face masks you get in a packet at Rite Aid. This way you will exude tropical-ness from your very pores!
Step 3) Finish the illusion
Recruit your siblings/parents/significant other in on the illusion! Buy some terry cloth robes and pose in Ikea bedrooms like its your swanky hotel suite. Save pics of your destination off of Google Images and artsily Instagram them. Purchase square white plates so all your meals look like you’re at a restaurant. Sprinkle sand in your purse and shoes, to be shaken out later in front of your friends.
Step 4) ‘Return’ and brag
Because this is a make-up blog, I guess there has to be some sort of make-up component. Here’s a look for when you ‘get home’ and want to meet up with your friends. Be sure to make a big show of shivering and being under dressed for the weather. “It was 92 and balmy in St. Maaaaahtins aaaahahahahahaaaaa!” Also, wear white to accentuate your fake tan (credit: Miss Jordan Brown circa 8th grade, HOLLA to Sample Lifes biggest fan/mentor!).
Bronze as usual, like with the amazing CHOCOLATE SCENTED Too Faced Chocolate Soleil Matte Bronzing Powder then brush some more across your cheek bones, bridge of the nose, and forehead to create a sunglasses tan. You didn’t take the Raybans off once, remember! Add a rosy, beachy blush, which I put on my cheeks and nose as well for my sunburn, which makes my face of bronzer believable(ish) as a legit suntan. Then illuminzer under the eyes and on the lashes and brows to simulate dried salt/ sun bleached-ness. Josie Maran Argan Illuminizing Powder has a powdery consistency that makes it perfect for the job.
Essentially, I just painted my face with different bronzers until I looked like Tan Mom, but if you’ve done your self-tanning right your face might match your neck.
Now go forth and fake your fancy!