Freezing Over Is Hell: How to Survive Coldpocalypse 2013

Baby, it’s cold outside! America’s favorite fireside date-rape anthem has never rung more true. I swear to God this is the coldest winter on record for the last 1000 years. Al Gore was right! It’s a new ice age! Winter is coming! I’ve been forced to wear all sorts of hideous winter accessories in order to keep warm, like a ridiculous pair of fur lined gloves gifted to me by boyfriend that look they belong to a very glamorous prescription pill addict. He either bought them for me at Macy’s, stole them from his mom, or found them on the ground in a Philadelphia train station (still investigating.) The other day I even considered buying a hat, even though they make my hair look like Ralph the Dog’s ears! I picked one up in a shop and showed it to my sister. “Do you think Dom would still be attracted to me if he saw me in this?” She paused, thinking. “I mean,” she mused, “He’s already seen you eat a whole pizza.”

 

Phresh Winter Gear

Phresh Winter Gear//Sad Snowstorm Dog

Anyways, I want to offer my readers some tips on getting by in this cold weather. NOT how to look hot in the cold, because that is basically a pipe dream about a total impossibility (snow pants, hair tie, chilling with no makeup on,) but how to survive life’s little uncomfortablenesses without feeling totally miserable.

 

TIP ONE: JOJOBA OIL

Winter chaps your face and makes your skin dry as shit, and for an acne sufferer this is the worst. The obvious answer is a nice, heavy moisturizer but too often they contain stuff that will break you out, like any ingredient with the word “butter” in it. Acne plus dry skin is a nightmare from hell, and I’d rather look like Chappity Jones than layer a bunch of zits on top of my already parched face. The answer to all this is JOJOBA OIL! Nothing makes you feel more luxurious and refined, like an Into the Gloss Top Shelf Girl instead of an unemployed turtle enthusiast, than gently patting amber colored oil onto your face, but the anxiety always is whether that oil is going to clog your pores. Well, jokes on you because jojoba oil isn’t actually oil at all! Technically it is a wax, with the same exact chemical makeup as the oil your hair and skin naturally produces, rendering it non-comedogenic. Your body processes it as your skin just being Miley, rather than using it as an excuse to throw a disgusting clogged pore under-the-skin rave like in that horrible Stridex commercial for the early ‘aughts. I pat a little on every morning after my shower and at night after I wash my face, as well as whenever my skin gets that tight feeling. It works beautifully under makeup and you can buy it for dirt dirt cheap at Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods.

 

TIP TWO: DRY YOUR DAMN HAIR

Normally I never blow dry my hair because it is boring to stand in front of a mirror for so long, but I’m not about to leave the house at 5:30 in the morning with zero degree wind chill when my hair is sopping wet. Believe you me, I’ve done this before, and my hair has literally turned into separate curl icicles. Its funny and cool to look like Medusa but its also very, very uncomfortable. The solution is the blow dryer but the 15 or so minutes it takes to diffuse my hair are a bummer. SOLUTION! Instead of blowdrying your hair in front of a mirror, greeted by nothing but your sallow early morning reflection, with nothing to do but solemnly ponder the various indignities that will greet you throughout the day, use Photobooth as your mirror! This probably works best for curly hair as you just have to bunch it up in your diffuser and ~chill for a bit~, but I do this every day now. I turn on Photo Booth, get a good look at myself and make sure all my hair is in the right place, cruise the internet for 5 minutes, switch the diffuser to the other side of my hair and checking it in the camera, and repeat until my head is comfortably dry. This way I am suitably entertained and never miss out on Cory Booker saving a family of baby otters from a fire, even for a second! YOU’RE WELCOME YOU LAZY BITCHES.

Photo 636

TIP 3: FIGHT DEHYDRATION WITH RIH-HYDRATION

For reasons that are two boring to get in to (hint: they involve pragmatic 19th century ventilation tricks) my room gets super, super hot in the winter while the other rooms in the house are freezing. Since one thermostat controls the entire house, and my mom blasts that shit at like 90 degrees on a constant basis, I just have to deal with it. The other night I slept with just a sheet! It was like 5 degrees outside! The dry heat leaves me in a constant state of dehydration, which leads to all sorts of stuff like lame looking skin, chapped lips, migraines, and general woogie-ness. I try to drink lots of water but by the time I start feeling bad it’s always too late to fix situation (was going to make an Irreversible joke but I stopped myself. Jesus, Emalie.)  No matter how much water I drink I never get to feeling better! That’s why you should drink coconut water, the preferred water of Rihanna, paragon of good choices and world-renowned beverage scientist.

Very Subtle product placement in the "Man Down" video, which actually managed to glamorize 3rd world poverty

Very Subtle product placement in the “Man Down” video, which actually managed to glamorize 3rd world poverty

I’m not really sure what’s in this stuff but I guess it’s more hydrating than water, has electrolytes, cures hangovers, lime in the coconut, etc. Now, I’d tried coconut water a few times and thought it was DISGUSTING. Don’t get me wrong, mostly it is. I saw my friend drinking a coconut water and asked her how she could even tolerate the taste of what is basically tropical-kissed fart juice. She explained that coconut water IS gross EXCEPT when you are dehydrated, when it turns magically delicious since your body craves electrolytes so badly. This actually makes sense! One of my friends became iron deficient after becoming a vegetarian, and she physically craved potatoes even though that is so gross because her body KNEW they were where all the dank iron was at. I tried her recommendation out the next time I was dehydrated and it actually was true! The coconut water tasted amazing and I schlurped it down. This is actually a great way to test your where your hydration levels are at. Coconut water tastes disgusting? Good to go! Tastes amazing? Drink that ish! You’re sick! I actually find that about half way through a bottle I start to hate the taste and want to barf, and that’s when I know it’s been effective and I’m totally rehydrated.

Bundle up and head my warnings! Don’t worry about looking like an idiot in these cold times, do what you have to do to stay warm and not have your ears fall off! Even this guy is doing it!

thrones-210-white-walkerwith hat

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