Makeup for Meatballs: A Little Snooki and Jwoww to Bronzen Up Your Life

Has everyone heard the very exciting news that my editor at the Homo Life (that’s what I am calling Alex now rather than his actual title, my little sister’s friend) interviewed Snooki and Jwoww? What a coup for us overeducated, trash worshipping liberal artists! I love, love, love Snooki and JWoww (or as a friend calls her, Jessica Wowwerstein) and always have since the inception of Jersey Shore. Ever since this, really.

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Jersey Shore is dead but Snooki and Jwoww live on. This is great personality editing on the part off MTV, cutting the Sammy and Rahhn chaff from the wheat (the soil is watered with Red Bull) and ridding us from the scourge of Deena’s tragic butt cheek tan. I just want to see Snooki ponder changing out her breast milk for Gatorade and Jenni scheme her way to a pink diamond the size of her left implant. THE SIMPLE THINGS  IN LIFE. In going to a musty and expensive college constructed entirely of 200 year old bricks in a town that BRAGGED about being home port for Kunta Kinte’s slave ship, I made the tacit agreement that I would not enjoy a life of fist pumping or hard partying. The closest thing I ever got to beating back the beat was probably drinking off brand Russian vodka that tasted like it was strained through a gym sock while watching a small group of straight people “dance” haplessly to Of Montreal. Therefore, I watch Snooki and JWoww not to judge, but to get a peek at the things I could be doing if I wasn’t so concerned about being judged by an older generation of Armenians. TO REALLY FEEL, YOU KNOW? I probably wouldn’t be delivering a beat down to some girl in an Ed Hardy mini-dress outside of a fried pickle stand but I need that fuckery at extra strength in order to get my bad-behavior contact high. I know some people think that Snooki’s cultural ubiquity represents the downfall of American society and the decay of Western civilization as we know it, but I would tend to disagree with that. In our current cultural landscape we have congressmen that call rape a “blessing,” Tea Partiers that recommend arming classroom teachers with handguns, and the entire state of Florida. Let’s address those issues before pointing the finger at a couple of Italian girls who are loyal to their friends and enjoy day time drinking.
New School Look; Better Blending

New School Look; Better Blending

I decided to try out a Snooki/Jwoww combo look based on their more new-school iterations. I could have done the whole hog retro-Snooki look, but even in Snook’s opinion the pouf is as dead as Sasha Fierce. Jwoww’s scraggly vanilla under-weave and dedication to rolled sweatpants have also gone out the door. I wouldn’t say the girls’ current look is neccesarily much more sophisticated, but it is a lot better executed. Their hair is actually styled and doesn’t look like it could make a safe home for baby birds, their false tans tend to be more uniform, and their fake eyelashes don’t dangle off the edge of their eyes like so many child molesters Elliott Stabler nervously ponders letting fall off of buildings. Unlike the Guidices of the world they do not attempt taste and class and fail; instead they shoot for shock and awe and succeed with flying colors. Reach for the moon and you’ll land amongst the stars; reach to become a human bronzer leopard and you’ll end up looking something like Snooki in her birthing suite.

To start, I coated my face in about 6 layers and varieties of blush and bronzer. This is the boring part, but neccessary. No matter what I did I couldn’t get myself to look tan in photos, and eventually I resorted to rubbing instant body bronzer on my face. In the end I think I photographed pretty much like I had gotten a little sun, but in person I looked like a clown or Lindsay Lohan trying to get gussied up for a court date. The girls tend to prefer orange shades of blush, so I added Nars Torrid to my cheeks, a blush that can be beautiful and subtle when applied with a light touch, but when slapped on the cheeks without care is the color of a traffic cone. No one really needs advice on how to do this, or even wants to emulate it much for that matter; just be indiscreet.

Here is where the fun began. Snooki is never seen without her EXTREME, like, Barbie extreme, false eyelashes and I wanted to rock something extra special for this look. Falsies make me nervous but I found these beauties on sale at Sephora for $3. When I was checking out, the girl behind the counter could not stifle her laughter or side eye. I thought it was rude but then I realized if I was in her position and didn’t know that I had a blog where I did very poor imitations of famous people, I would probably laugh at the idea of this nebbish librarian chick buying a set of austentacious false eyeliner too.

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This set was called “Seduction”

BUT LOOK HOW THEY SPARKLE! I applied a mixture of gunmetal and silver eyeshadows to my lids as a base and then I stuck these bad boys on. No glue neccesary, they have adhesive on the back like stickers, but disgustingly enough I dropped one of these on my furry carpet and had to peel it off and put it on my eye. These were, without a doubt, the most uncomfortable things that I have ever put on my face or body, and yet I loved them. I love them so much, too much. I don’t know if I’d EVER have an occasion to rock them, but Jesus Christ were they ever awesome. Here’s a close up before the big reveal:
Photo 687

Next, for my hair. I’ve previously expressed my disdain and incompetance regarding heat tools but I struggled to think of a way to Jersey-fy my look. Snooki and Jenni are known for doing all sorts of weird dip-dyeing and fire engine red and vanilla exstensions to their hair so I figured I’d add a little bit of creative color to my strands. I bought Splat Hair Chalk in Midnight Blue at CVS; it’s a mass market version of more expensive (though not very high class) hair chalks that have been out for a while. Preferably I would have picked bright pink or magenta but the CVS was out so I went with the electric blue.

She was begging to get involved

She was begging to get involved

The principle of the product is that you spray a section of hair with hairspray, press the little bubble of chalk against your hair and drag it through, and set the entire thing with hairspray again. I had low, low expectations for this product but guys, it was awesome. The downside is that you get powdery blue chalk everywhere (including on my cat’s white front patch) but the upside is that It. Looks. Awesome. Not like you dragged some children’s drawing medium through your hair, but like you have actual, Katy Perry strips of vivid blue in your hair, as executed by a professional. I would recommened this product to middle schoolers who want to experiment with their identities, halloween party goers, and middle aged women trying to look youthful while they attempt to rediscover their sexuality (said in Jenna Maroney voice.) It even smells like blueberries!

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Blue hair//Don’t care

My hair was BLUE! I wanted to finish the look with an extra something-something, some kind of head wear. Remember when the gang went to Florence and all the girls wore stupid floppy hats like they were going to an Easter horse race? Where did that trend come from? Probably it arose from some ether I am not privy too, possibly created by Mystic tan particles. The point is that they wing it. Snooki also wears a lot of weird headbands, so I decided to go in that direction. I shopped around at CVS and even found an option that had a leopard print flower on it, but my mother deemed the size of the flower too discreet. “Shouldn’t the flower be this size?” she asked, holding up a loofah. In the end I winged it by just disco-style tying a piece of cat chewed gift ribbon around my head. I thought it might be a little janky or the whole look might skew a little Audrey from Girls (“Where do you buy your headbands?”) but my sister really liked it. “It shows that you can just put anything on your head and call it an accessory!”she decried, and I guess that’s the principle of the entire thing. Winging it with chutzpah, making up your own trends and not questioning whether or not you are ridiculous, and not being concerned if someone looks at you funny. To be honest I enjoyed this look the most of any one that I’ve done so far– I’d be terrified to wear it in public but at the same time, it was super fun and made me feel awesome instead of understated. The moral: let’s envy Snooki and Jwoww for more than their money and easily earned fame and gorilla juice head boyfriends. They look how they want and it makes them feel awesome! They are free as birds and we should all try to be as much!

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