Has everyone heard the very exciting news that my editor at the Homo Life (that’s what I am calling Alex now rather than his actual title, my little sister’s friend) interviewed Snooki and Jwoww? What a coup for us overeducated, trash worshipping liberal artists! I love, love, love Snooki and JWoww (or as a friend calls her, Jessica Wowwerstein) and always have since the inception of Jersey Shore. Ever since this, really.
I decided to try out a Snooki/Jwoww combo look based on their more new-school iterations. I could have done the whole hog retro-Snooki look, but even in Snook’s opinion the pouf is as dead as Sasha Fierce. Jwoww’s scraggly vanilla under-weave and dedication to rolled sweatpants have also gone out the door. I wouldn’t say the girls’ current look is neccesarily much more sophisticated, but it is a lot better executed. Their hair is actually styled and doesn’t look like it could make a safe home for baby birds, their false tans tend to be more uniform, and their fake eyelashes don’t dangle off the edge of their eyes like so many child molesters Elliott Stabler nervously ponders letting fall off of buildings. Unlike the Guidices of the world they do not attempt taste and class and fail; instead they shoot for shock and awe and succeed with flying colors. Reach for the moon and you’ll land amongst the stars; reach to become a human bronzer leopard and you’ll end up looking something like Snooki in her birthing suite.
To start, I coated my face in about 6 layers and varieties of blush and bronzer. This is the boring part, but neccessary. No matter what I did I couldn’t get myself to look tan in photos, and eventually I resorted to rubbing instant body bronzer on my face. In the end I think I photographed pretty much like I had gotten a little sun, but in person I looked like a clown or Lindsay Lohan trying to get gussied up for a court date. The girls tend to prefer orange shades of blush, so I added Nars Torrid to my cheeks, a blush that can be beautiful and subtle when applied with a light touch, but when slapped on the cheeks without care is the color of a traffic cone. No one really needs advice on how to do this, or even wants to emulate it much for that matter; just be indiscreet.
Here is where the fun began. Snooki is never seen without her EXTREME, like, Barbie extreme, false eyelashes and I wanted to rock something extra special for this look. Falsies make me nervous but I found these beauties on sale at Sephora for $3. When I was checking out, the girl behind the counter could not stifle her laughter or side eye. I thought it was rude but then I realized if I was in her position and didn’t know that I had a blog where I did very poor imitations of famous people, I would probably laugh at the idea of this nebbish librarian chick buying a set of austentacious false eyeliner too.
Next, for my hair. I’ve previously expressed my disdain and incompetance regarding heat tools but I struggled to think of a way to Jersey-fy my look. Snooki and Jenni are known for doing all sorts of weird dip-dyeing and fire engine red and vanilla exstensions to their hair so I figured I’d add a little bit of creative color to my strands. I bought Splat Hair Chalk in Midnight Blue at CVS; it’s a mass market version of more expensive (though not very high class) hair chalks that have been out for a while. Preferably I would have picked bright pink or magenta but the CVS was out so I went with the electric blue.
The principle of the product is that you spray a section of hair with hairspray, press the little bubble of chalk against your hair and drag it through, and set the entire thing with hairspray again. I had low, low expectations for this product but guys, it was awesome. The downside is that you get powdery blue chalk everywhere (including on my cat’s white front patch) but the upside is that It. Looks. Awesome. Not like you dragged some children’s drawing medium through your hair, but like you have actual, Katy Perry strips of vivid blue in your hair, as executed by a professional. I would recommened this product to middle schoolers who want to experiment with their identities, halloween party goers, and middle aged women trying to look youthful while they attempt to rediscover their sexuality (said in Jenna Maroney voice.) It even smells like blueberries!