Happy Day after Valentine’s Day! How is the cold light of the morning treating you? Did you have a good night? If you just thought, “No, Emalie, because it’s a Hallmark Holiday,” let me just say that I am so excited that a 26 year-old Janine Garofalo has discovered a portal to the future! Seriously, lighten up. Are you so stupid that you are willing to refuse a holiday that is seriously just an excuse to get free and upscale candy? Do you think people don’t notice when you say shit like that? Do you think they don’t worry their inner groan was so loud that others might actually hear it? Do you think that they don’t play a brief montage in their minds of you not enjoying the Freedom Trail and Disney world, sitting on a couch at a party surrounded by dancing people with your arms folded, and listening to a Henry Rollins album on your headphones angrily in your bedroom on a Saturday night? Get off my damn blog! Go rinse out your Nalgene bottle or something.
Ranting aside, there are a number of ways to spend your Valentines Day! My Valentine lives 4 hours away, so I spent the evening bingeing on candy with my parents before calling Dom for a duet of “Somewhere Out There” while we both stared out the window at the same moon.
Jealous? Regardless of whether or not you topped my amazing night, this morning has probably left you with a few beauty quandaries. I’m laying out a few scenarios that could have gone down, and some product suggestions that will help take the edge off!
YOU LAID THE MACK
Congratulations, lucky one! You are the envy of the world today. Try to keep from beaming and gloating in the office this morning; people will hold that against you a lot longer than they will esteem you for your luckiness in love. You probably don’t need any help to get that special glow, but maybe you have a little something to cover up? As Rose Castorini would say in Moonstruck, a love bite on your neck? Let me introduce you to your new best friend, Hard Candy Glamoflauge Concealer. You can buy this stuff at Wal-Mart for six bucks and it is better than any other concealer out there, basically industrial spackle for your face. I save it for very rare and horrible pimples, because it is just that intense, but for this humiliating task it fits the bill perfectly. Paint on a very thin layer and make sure to diffuse the outer edges into the neck with a concealer brush instead of covering just the offending spot itself. Repeat, repeat, repeat, and then wear your hair down for the day if it’s long enough, or put on a scarf if you are the type of person who can wear a scarf without making people mad at you. Set it with powder so it doesn’t move around during the day, make sure to carry the concealer around for touch ups, and try not to wear white in case some of it rubs off. Not that you should be wearing white anyways, you lucky bastard!
YOU ARE HUNGOVER
Perhaps you were out celebrating Galentine’s day at a Mexican restaurant with your main girls, or drank too much Carlo with your romantic spaghetti dinner, or lost track of your shots during the Watch What Happens Live drinking game? Andy’s Valentine’s guest was Patti Stanger and you had to take a shot every time she inadvertently quoted Phyllis Schlafly.
Listen, I’m not a magician, there is nothing I can do to restore you to normalcy. Even if you get yourself looking alright, your constant wincing and bottle of Gatorade Cool Blue are going to betray exactly what you were up to last night. My advice would be to avoid any place where you’d need to look hot, because it’s just not going to happen. But you can at the least look like, as Dr. Phil would say, you are living instead of existing. First of all, remove your damn eye makeup! I know you slept in it! Don’t think morning after smoky eyes give you “a cool, worn in rocker look”. They make you look like exactly what you are: a girl who accidentally got wasted because she ate 14 frozen margarita limes, and slept on the floor in front of her toilet wrapped in a bath mat. You might have never smoked in your life, but if you show up with day old mascara people are going to wager that you smell like an ashtray. Just wash it all off! Then, after applying your foundation (a non-negotiable today, sorry) take your favorite illuminating concealer pen (I would recommend both the drugstore Maybelline Dream Lumi Touch Concealer and L’Oreal Magic Lumi Concealer, which both cost about $10, though the L’Oreal has much luxer packaging) and commit to the Kardashian-eque “triangle of light” undereye technique. I will demonstrate:
Draw a triangle under each eye but do not fill it in with the pen! Instead, blend the concealer to fill them as to not go overboard/get cakey and then blend the outer edges and out towards your eyes along the cheekbones, as well as down onto the top of your cheeks into a point. These under eye triangles are going to make you look a lot more well rested and alive. Next, apply a WARM toned blush; anything cool toned is going to wash you out and make you appear more like the captain of a ghost ship. Nars Orgasm and Torrid are two of my absolutely favorite blushes, but for a drugstore alternative Milani Baked Blush in Rose D’Oro is a great brightening shade. Voila! Probably everyone can tell you were drunk last night, but maybe they won’t know you puked this morning after your roommate used the phrase “warm gin.”
YOU CRIED ALL NIGHT
Let me be real with you. There is one reason to cry on Valentine’s Day, and that is because of a very recent breakup. It’s just not that serious you guys. Maybe you don’t have a significant other but there are literally BILLIONS of people in your position today, and they are not crying, so neither should you. I dismiss you, go feel bad about yourselves. If you DID just get broken up with, I’m sorry! Valentine’s Day can act as salt, but it has to be rubbed into an open wound, versus, say, a faint pockmark caused by a guy who broke up with you 4 years ago because he wanted to focus on his dog. I can see the slippery slope of turning on the TV to the Keira Knightley Pride and Prejudice and then 20 minutes later sloppily tweeting encouragement at Brandi Glanville as you sit in your bathtub, gently sob-singing “Hide and Seek” without it actually playing in the background. It’s ok! The five stages of a breakup are as follows: Crying Alone, Spilling Your Heart to Acquaintances, Reckless but Enjoyable Drinking, Regrettable Flirting with Other Acquaintances, and Acceptance. V-Day can send you from stage 4 back to 1 if you aren’t careful! A few pieces of advice to keep you from entering a tailspin: Don’t listen to “Ex-Factor” by Lauryn Hill, you crazy person. That’s just asking for it. Don’t cut your hair! Everyone will see through it. Keep off his Facebook but don’t change your relationship status to “single.” Just leave it blank! Perhaps this advice is too late, but in general, NEVER go through with plans you had with your ex alone to be sporting, especially ones you set out for Valentine’s Day. Making the enchiladas you were going to surprise him with just for you because “you don’t need him for special enchiladas!” escalates your sadness level from Bridget Jones to Renee Zellweiger. Do not allow this to happen.
All the best tips for dealing with the aftermath of last nights sob-fest are addressed in this video, created by the beautiful makeup artist Lisa Eldridge. Lisa is Bambi’s mother come down from a woodland heaven to teach us mortals how to soothe our puffy eyes in her posh British accent. Beyond looking better I’m going to wager this video is going to make you feel better; Lisa’s voice is so soothing and she just really seems like she knows what she’s talking about. Like a hug through a computer screen! Ladies, gays, straight guys who will watch stuff that doesn’t pertain to their interests because they have a beautiful woman in them (I’m looking at you, Michael,) this video has something for everyone to the point that I consider it an essential beauty tool. I am world famous for taking breakups really badly and I wish to God I had it when I needed it!