Her HighneZZZZZZ: How Not To Look Like Kate Middleton

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I’m sorry, but is there anything more boring on earth than Kate Middleton? I honestly would rather watch paint dry than read one more freaking news story about the Duchess of Beige Farts; I would rather listen to the Moth Radio Hour as hosted by Jessica Biel; I would rather enter data while blasting whale sounds on my headphones; I would rather attend a Daughter’s of the American Revolution Luncheon with a special presentation on Victorian Baptism gowns; I would rather deodorize Kristen Stewart’s Converse collection while she reads aloud from the Obamacare decision. I’m sorry, but this girl is just not interesting BY DESIGN so maybe we should give all the media coverage and “emancipation of Kate” articles a rest.

Kate is not supposed to exhibit character quirks or say anything remotely thought provoking; she is supposed to remain a blank slate of proper etiquette onto which we can project our hopes and dreams. AND I GET THAT. But we need to stop acting like there is anything more to say about her than the piece of flimsy cardboard that comes with her nude panty hose. I know everybody talks about the “Waity Katie” angle, how she waited forever for Will to propose to her and that somehow shows her fortitude, but Jesus. She waited 8 years for a guaranteed lifetime of power, attention, influence and untold riches? I’ve been waiting like 2 years for my boyfriend to agree to fetch me a goddamn glass of water, where’s my award? Maybe she has a rich inner life that we don’t know about; maybe while she stares blankly at the latest ship she’s been called to Christen she contemplates her issues with that latest Schopenhauer critique in the Journal of Aesthetics, but more likely she’s just trying to hold in a sneeze until her next bathroom break. The point is, even if she’s thinking some interesting shit, she certainly isn’t saying it. The best she can muster is a polite smile as children of various world origins hand her the respective orbs their society’s use as soccer balls as gifts of well-being and peace.

 

Bosnian Soccer Ball

Bosnian Futbal

This is a woman who could have picked ANYBODY on earth to sing at her wedding and she picked Ellie Goulding? Seriously? If you don’t the immense, unknowable powers that come from being the figurehead of the worlds most enduring monarchy to rehabilitate Lauryn Hill so she can sing a wedding duet of “Countdown” with Sam Cooke’s ghost and backing from the Daft Punk robots, THEN WHAT ARE YOU GOOD FOR?

So, if a person says nothing of interest and remains professionally tight lipped about topics ranging from her pregnancy to William’s hairline to the continuous barrage of drunken text messages she receives from Camilla Parker Bowles, I am going to have to base my impression of her purely on her appearance.

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Listen, I don’t think that Kate Middleton looks like particular shit, I just think she looks pretty boring and that her clothes always look kind of common. Maybe that’s on purpose! Michelle Obama wears Talbots and J. Crew and Hilary Clinton matches her scrunchie to her pantsuit and Sarah Palin wears running camoflage from her new K. Mart line; these are highly engineered political decisions made to appeal to regular people, and I get that. What I do not get, at all, is Kate’s makeup. She looks harsh and old, and not the type of old you begin to look from acting young, like Prince Harry’s slaggy, hungover girlfriends. I remember on her wedding day everyone talking about how Kate did her own makeup and when I saw her pictures I was like, “Obviously.” Again, when you have all the resources on earth can you at least pay someone good to do your makeup? Like, ship Bobbi Brown in or the magnificent British angel Lisa Eldridge or whoever shades Kim Kardashian’s nose every morning or even the lady at the nail salon that once waxed Keira Knightley’s eyebrows? What’s worse is that despite how awful Kate’s makeup looks, the internet is still filled with tutorials and product roundups on how to achieve her look, simply because she is a princess. Why would you want to look that awful on purpose? I am going to counteract with a tutorial on How NOT to Look Like a Middleton.

DON’T Wear Black Eyeliner During Daylight Hours

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A little on the upper lid is fine during the day but all around the eye is super harsh and stark looking! This actually closes off the eyes and makes them look smaller and less pretty. A worse offender than Kate is Pippa, who not only wears black eyeliner during the day but uses it on her water line as well. Like Pippa, I have smaller, long eyes and I avoid wearing my liner like this at all costs; it makes your eyes look like sharp razor clams! Dark eyeliner makes your eyes recede into your face! During the day wear a lighter brown shade instead of black, if you must wear it on the lower lashes, and make sure you smudge and blend your line for a softer effect that defines your eyes instead of making them look harsh or disappear!

DON’T Fill Your Eyebrows in You Stuck Two Stickers on Your Face

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Remember the first time you got glasses and you realized regular people could see the individual leaves on trees instead of one big, green puffy cloud? Remember how you wanted to cry, both with sadness because the beauty you had already missed and with joy at the opportunity in front of you to fully experience the world? Yeah, eyebrows are like that too. They should never look like two brown shapes on your face; they should always look full and healthy, but as if they were constructed of individual hairs that are visible up close. Kate’s eyebrows are too harsh and graphic for her features, and like her liner, too dark. Always fill in your brows a shade lighter than your actual hair, and apply in small, light strokes to emulate the look of individual hairs. I promise it won’t look weird and you’ll save yourself from crazy stares.

DON’T Go Matte!

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SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIHHMUUUUUND, GIRL! Kate very rarely looks glowing; at the very most she looks tan. There’s a fine line between matte skin and dull skin, and I think Kate always looks a little cakey or that she could do with some sprucing up. I think for the most part matte skin is for alternative porn stars who draw little hearts on their faces; the rest of us could do with some well placed shimmer and highlighter. The majority of the time Kate is photographed outside, and the light should be bouncing off her face like a sparkle vampire! Mostly she looks like she needs a nap. I don’t blame her, I’m pretty certain Queen Elizabeth’s corgis stay up all night barking and Harry is constantly barraging her with requests to be his designated driver/post bail at a Thai prison. Oh, and the texts from Camilla, of course.

That’s enough advice for now. Maybe another day I’ll tackle the indignation I feel towards Pippa Middleton’s “butt.” Is that the best you have to offer, Britain? Come to America. This is our Pippa.

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