I am the millennium-est millennial you will ever meet. I have a blog. I watch “Girls” (I’m a Hannah with a touch of Shoshanna with Marnie’s anxiety and Jessa’s probable attitude towards body hair, FYI.) I am being crushed to death by my student loans as if they are boulders and I am denying that I’m a witch. I spend like 2/3 of my time Instagramming cats. And I will defend my generation TO THE DEATH. One of things that pisses me off the most is Baby Boomers complaining about our generation’s perceived laziness and lack of motivation. “They all move home to their parents!” they complain. “They all work in coffee shops!” Umm, hi. Remember when you guys took out all those sub prime mortgages that caused that enormous bubble pop that destroyed the economy? THAT’S why I’m living at home with my parents, not because I don’t feel like figuring out how to hook up my Xbox to the back of a new TV. Pretty sure I wasn’t the 13 year old who was giving out bargain basement loans on condos, that seems like the fault of somebody older than me. I would love to be like you guys when you were my age, crossing the country in a cool psychadelic school bus or living in a giant Harvard Square loft full of hemp blankets or whatever, but I’m actually just going to go dip to my temp job. I’m pretty sure in 10 years when we’re in a giant Social Security and Medicare benefits crisis they’ll all be whining about why Tom Brokaw isn’t releasing more photo books of people fornicating in Woodstock mud pits, while their millennial children literally wipe their butts. Why can’t more boomers be like my dad, who as a favor to his children is carefully and purposely orchestrating his own death at the age of 65 by taking a myriad of fool hardy and uneducated health risks? That is not a joke.
But one irksome habit I can see my generation cultivating is the love of the throoowwwwwbackkkkkk. Baby Boomers invented it but we are trying to perfect it!
So many Facebook groups (is that still a thing?) dedicated to “Do You Remember ‘AHHH! Real Monsters’” or “Like This If You Loved ‘All That’” or “Favorite If Jonathan Taylor Thomas Was Your First Crush!!!!” Do I remember that stuff? Of course I do, it was less than 15 years ago. I would have to be brain damaged to forget. I’m sure quite imminent is a remake of Memento where the weird instructions come in the form of different Nick Toons characters tattooed all over the protagonists body. In the stunning conclusion he realizes that Heffer was totally adopted by those wolves! We don’t need to be gazing so hard at our own navels (BUT OMG IT WOULD BE SO EASY TO SEE THEM IF WE WERE WEARING BELLY SHIRTS REMEMBER THOSE!) I understand that everybody approaches the culture and media of their childhoods with rose colored glasses (or like, AC Slater’s white Ray Bans for the purpose of this piece) but has anyone considered that maybe those times were so awesome because we only possessed a childlike perspective of the world with absolutely no nuance or cultural awareness whatsoever? Like, not to get too real with you, but at the end of My Girl, Macaulay Culkin is stung to death by BEES! Nobody ever talks about that!
Fashion’s been reviving the nineties recently, too. Another thing I don’t get! How can we have a revival when we’ve barely moved past it in the first place? Here is the progression of fashion since the 90’s:
Stage 1: Everybody wears low rise bootcut jeans that basically expose your pubic bone, we self-tan like crazy while worrying about Bennifer, and Paris Hilton falls off a low-riding motorbike thing, exposing her crotch to peels of laughter while we secretly admit to ourselves that the girl has star quality. Linday Lohan’s breasts are firm and high, and we all admire her for her healthy body image and refreshing attitude.
Stage 2: Kate Moss wears skinny jeans and we all realize that we looked like idiots before. Rachel Zoe gets Nicole Richie to throw out her post-rehab sweat suits and take horse drugs (umm, why do horses need to lose weight anyways?) but everyone gets amazing bangs and wears big boho dresses and cowboy boots. Lindsay Lohan’s breasts remain remarkably similar in size while her limbs shrink to the circumference of coffee stirrers, but we all admire her performance in “A Prairie Home Companion”
Stage 3: Alexa Chung wears high rise jeans and we all realize that cowboy boots make us look like idiots, except for certain girls I still see in the airport who inexplicably wear them with Lilly Pulitzer dresses. We as a society make a collective agreement to dress like NYU students that have been cut off by our parents, favoring olive green parkas and weird leather brogues that make us look like we robbed Kiebler Elves. Lindsay Lohan wakes up every day looking like she was scraped off a shoe but was at least lucid in those Funny or Die videos.
AND HERE WE ARE! 2013 and all of a sudden Rihanna has a terrible River Island collection of “10 Things I Hate About You” prom dresses and everything has giant Elizabeth Hurley safety pins on it and we’re all wearing brown lipstick and piercing our cartilage. It’s just too soon! Can’t we invent a few more trends before we start recycling shit? Ombre seems ok! We could expand on that! Maybe we should be the generation that lobbies to make yoga pants acceptable formalwear? I know that seems like wishful thinking but adults tell me all the time that when they were our age they never thought they’d see gay marriage legalized? The reason 90’s grunge was so appropriate at the time was that despite the fact that everyone wore flannel and lip rings, the economy was really good and Bill Clinton was president and all the moms could stay at home and chilllllllll. If we bring that reactionary depressive dressing back to this actually depressing era, I’m afraid we might all get so bummed that we kill ourselves! “Fight Club” and “Office Space” are 90’s movies about what a bummer it is to own a bunch of Ikea furniture and listen to fax machine noises, but when you’re paying Wells Fargo off with your birthday checks a condo with central air conditioning doesn’t sound like something you’d want to blow up! You don’t have to take a stand against quiet desperation by tying your sweatshirt around your waist when there’s a line of people who would gladly claw the smirk right of Jennifer Aniston’s face for a job at TGI Friday’s.
But there IS one 90s comeback I am enjoying (and a point to this post, for that matter.) I love, love, love this Jesse’s Girl Mood Lipstick, which is enjoying a nice drugstore comeback. It starts out a shocking, Kermit green in the tube but when you apply it to your lips it turns into a rather wearable red-magenta. The texture is balmy and waxy, so you don’t have to worry about the creamy-unwieldiness of a lipstick; it’s also staining and long lasting without the wateriness and messiness of a lipstain. It comes in a bunch of colors which in no way correspond on the lips to their color in the tube (yellow becomes orange! Blue becomes dark red!) and they’re like, $3 each. I don’t know if they really change corresponding to my mood, but that’s probably because everytime I’ve worn them my emotional level is at “fucking around at my vanity because I’m bored now.” Obviously these aren’t status items and you probably want to apply them in privacy, but this stuff works! Sample Life endorsed nostalgia! Now go back to shopping for the best pair of Cherry Red Doc Martens. Your hat makes you look like Meg Griffin.