Waking the Beast: Look Less Hideous in the Morning

Not to brag, but I have a reputation among friends as being the worlds ugliest morning person. JEALOUS?? When I wake up in the morning I look almost uniquely horrible, malfunctioning on many levels. My hair can never survive the night and turns into an akimbo rats nest of knots and frizz, my entire face puffs up and my lips, nose, and cheeks swell until I look like the Michelin Man on a steroid pack, and my eyes get puffy and swollen until they recede into my chipmunkish little face. This didn’t use to be such a problem for me; my unemployment schedule allowed me hours to shuffle around the house, drinking coffee as my face depuffed and my soul deflated. By the time I was done sad-watching (hate-watching’s less tweeted about cousin) Kelly and Michael, I looked like a decent and unbloated human being for whatever sad errand I had to run for the day, whether it be walking to the Subway to get a Diet Coke or walking to the CVS to get a Diet Coke. But now that I have a HOT NEW JOB that requires me to wake up at 6:30 in the morning, I don’t have the luxury of letting time work it’s skin-perfecting magic. I have to take care of that shit on my own, like a modern woman! Here is my step-to-step guide to taking your skin from “dull, subterranean bloated Montauk Monster” to “regular human being ready to not scare other human beings.”


Sleeping like an Angel


Showering obviously takes the edge off in the morning, wakes you up, and for me, totally fixes my horrible hair situation. I also think it kick-starts the depuffing process, but since the water is warm, it won’t take care of the job entirely. I read somewhere that Victoria Beckham finishes off every shower by standing in icy cold water, which shocks your system and constricts blood vessels to tighten your skin, but Jesus Christ. That’s probably the reason right there why the woman never smiles, British teeth be damned. Have you ever tried that shit? It is like being viciously crushed by an avalance of York Peppermint Patties. You feel like Leo being pushed off that raft into the icy Canadian waters for NO REASON. Victoria Beckham may be willing to shower like a Spartan Murder Wife but I want a gentler solution! Recently I invented an awesome combo for my puffiest early mornings. After I leave the shower, I apply a thin layer of Fresh Rose Face Mask all over my face. I read about this mask in an interview about beauty with chiseled strawberry humanoid Jessica Chastain, who always looks like the absurdly flawless Queen of the Uncanny Valley. The mask is like a pink gel with little rose petals floating in it; when you apply it your face it immediately begins to cool, ramping up all-over depuffing action. If you remember 4th grade science, you know that cooling temperatures makes things contract, so after using this my face always looks a little tighter and more flawless. Downsides: When I heard “rose mask” I immediately thought this was going to smell like whatever special powder Marie Antoinette used to blot her boob sweat, but in actuality it smells like cucumbers bordering on pickles.  This mask is also ludicrously expensive, so I am just going to constantly re-up on Sephora samples like the enterprising little hobo I am.

Mask applied, I then ramp up my results TENFOLD (estimation) with this simple tip. Run a paper towel under FREEZING cold water and then gently drape it over your face on top of the mask. If you don’t have the mask, try this step alone! Then you just need to chillllllll for a few minutes as your face deflates. I lie on my back and listen to Frank Ocean, or walk around the house practicing being blind, but you do what you like! There is no wrong answer besides taking the paper towel off too early, and also murder.


After 5 minutes, wipe your facemask off with your paper towel. Now is the time for makeup! On days when you’re exhausted, keep your makeup light, because tired skin makes your makeup looked equally fatigued. Make sure that you use a bright and sparkly (not glittery, Lizzy McGuire) eyeshadow, and plenty of brightening blush. A little bronzer also never hurt! Don’t skimp on under eye concealer, and possibly just reread this entire post for tips. When everything is applied, swirl a little Nars Light Reflecting Loose Setting Powder on a brush and apply all over your face. This stuff is powdered MAGIC. When you put it on it might not seem like it makes much difference but throughout the day you will notice yourself looking suspiciously perfect in mirrors. “What is going on?” you will ask. “Am I ovulating or something?” No, it’s the powder! It blends your makeup perfectly and then lights you from within like you swallowed a designer candle.


Blow drying has NOTHING to do with your morning face buttttt it has added beautifying benefits! I blowdry my hair most mornings since it takes like 6 hours to air dry on its own, but over time I noticed that blowdrying was affecting my makeup! The heat from the blowdryer was causing my makeup to melt in a subtle way; all my different layers of potions and powders were kind of melding together to look like one layer of solid FACE instead of a bunch of shit I patted on in different steps. The indirect heat makes for subtle but awesome blending no ordinary brush can accomplish! It takes down powderiness and the dreaded “cake face.” Even if you don’t have to blow dry your hair, maybe a couple of seconds of a straight blast on the lowest heat and speed setting would do you some good! If you don’t have access to a hair dryer, try just gently pressing the palms of your hands all over your face. It’s an old makeup artists trick since the combination of the warmth of your hands and the small amount of oils on them (not gross, I promise) meld your makeup together!

There you have it! Hopefully you look a little more restful and perfect on your way to greet the day! Maybe you just think I’m insane for draping myself in wet paper towels and blow drying my face. Whatevs.

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