How To Look Like Part of the .001%: An Absurdly Long Essay

In general with my appearance I try to push the limits of appearing “low class but obviously has a liberal arts degree” or as my sister calls it “chola-librarian,” but some days I want to look ~rich and expensive~. This is a challenge for someone whose look most closely mirrors Blake Lively as Staten Island Gossip Girl in modest sweaters but obviously PRODUCTS will help anybody achieve this look!


This is literally me and my boyfriend.

Now a word on how rich you want to look. You don’t want to look new money “I am buying my daughter a Super Sweet Sixteen and Tyga might be performing” rich, obviously. We don’t even need to go into that. But you also don’t want to look like you earned your money!! Even though fashion designers, pop stars, and Oprah have boatloads and swimming pools of cash and look fab, you can still tell they are COMPENSATING. J. Lo has more money than God but do you think she orders Crème de Mer by the industrial vat-load to not talk about it? I think not. All these ladies wanna humbrag or not so humbrag about how much money they have and how far they’ve come from the Bronx (though they still love it) even though they obviously aren’t tacky or Real Housewifey in the least. You don’t want to look like you worked hard for the money, you want to look like you were born into money!! And that your dad and his dad and his dad were too. Not just rich, expensive! You want to look like you have baby soft hands not from a tub of body butter but from Never. Working. Ever. Basically the look is “riding my dressage horse/working in the Vogue accessories apartment to bide time before I marry a Greek shipping magnate’s less responsible middle son.” I’m not saying I’ve pulled this off like GANGBUSTERS but I have a few tips!! Here is the look, as shown in a picture I took over the summer when I had made myself look SO RICH that I took a picture to send to my sister. I could not believe my own talents!


2 Cla$$y

First key is to be GLOWY. No one ever looked rich completely matte, the best it can make you look is like Dita von Teese but most often it’s going to look like a MAC counter girl (NO HATE because I would die to work at the MAC counter but Aspeth von Bulow or whoever the fuck would not be caught dead working a makeup counter, at the VERY most she would put in 6 hours a week at a Hampton’s interiors store because her dad wants her to learn character.) Start with your skin! Jackie didn’t catch a Kennedy AND an Onassis by looking ashy! Obviously the best choice is the REN Glycolactic Mask I am obsessed with but if you don’t have that kind of money lying around this Salma Hayek Wild Lime Facial Exfoliating Gel will work wonders!


A big blob of product! Looks like snot!! Forgive photo quality all will be better once I get my IPHONE!

It makes your skin look well rested and healthy (as opposed to the REN Mask, which makes you glow like God’s secret daughter) and you can easily pop it on at the beginning of your shower and rinse it off when you are done. The downside is that it smells like citrus cleaning products or something you would scrub your bath tub with. No bueno, Salma!

The next product is not a necessity in looking rich but it might help in feeling rich. I received it as a sample (natch) in a gift bag from Sephora. It is the Clarins Instant Smooth Perfecting Touch and is obviously for rich fancy ladies.


Teeny Tiny Packaging, Adorable Like Old Lady Candy. Held next to my face so you could see just how small it is (or I have the face of a giant?)

Inside is a fluffy, light as air pink mousse that sheers out to blur ithe mperfections on your face, which would come in a lot handier if I was covered in wrinkles as it doesn’t do much for giant, pulsing cystic zits. Ostensibly this is a primer which will make your makeup last longer but I think all primers are a fucking racket and the thing you should be using is this Monistat Chafing Gel on your face (don’t worry, not for yeast infections! Totally safe for the face!! Google it! More on this in a later post!) Not that it DIDN’T make my makeup last a long time, it just didn’t have a noticeably different effect than my Monistat gel and costs $32.50 for half an ounce (Monistat is $6.99 for 3 times the product, coming in at $4.66 an ounce verses $65 an ounce!) The difference here is how it feels in the moment when you put it on. The Monistat feels fine, whatever, but the Clarins just feels awesome, like rubbing your face with a silky cloud. It feels very luxurious and it’s obviously the product of a very rich, possibly older lady, so if you want to pamper yourself like a rich bitch, this might be an ideal product (also, good if you don’t wear foundation, which totally masks its effects, then it would be a great idea because it does make bare skin looks so much better!) (But seriously you should be wearing foundation, I don’t care who you are, even if you’re a fucking yoga instructor.)

The final product I would suggest in what has become short novel about appearing wealthy is Tarte Mineral Powder Bronzer in Park Avenue Princess. The name alone should be a giveaway about it’s aptitude for the job! I use the matte version of this as my every day bronzer, and it is very good at giving me some natural color and making me look more alive and less like a zombie, but the shimmer version is what I am wearing in that dope picture and it’s completely necessary!


Mini Sample of Golden Awesomeness in the front with the full sized packaging in CROCODILE no less!

To be rich you want to look tan like you’ve been doing outdoor sports that only a family with a cedar shingled Cape Cod mansion can afford but not like you’ve laid out or spray tanned or God forbid lay in booth like some Jersey Shore charlatan. Your tan should say something along the lines of “I was out on our Schooner all day with Cousin Connor’s insipid new country singer girlfriend and even though I put on $70 Chantecaille sunscreen the bright sun gently stippled the very plains of my face, as I moved to the front of the deck to avoid her constant blathering about cupcakes and lengthy recaps of old Grey’s Anatomy episodes.” This stuff is extremely golden and shimmery and really only works for nighttime (daytime glitter is for middle schoolers who have just discovered Claire’s) but it will make you so healthy, so gleaming and glowing from within that everyone will think you spent the weekend drinking green juice with your childhood friend Gwyneth Paltrow (counts as old money) instead of re-watching old episodes of Prison Wives in your own stink. Finish off your look with a swipe of liquid liner and put on your softest, most billowing natural fiber slacks and a cashmere sweater, and then go boss your parents around like they are your personal servants and lovingly refer to your significant other as “Tish.” You earned it!

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